Well hello there. So I was sitting in Potbelly Sandwich shop eating on a day when I had no kids. That's always a good day because I get to breathe and think on my own. So, anyway, I was stuffing my round, faded-freckled face with their delicious chili and reading a blog post some mother on Facebook had posted. It got me to thinking -- you know blogger moms blog because they think they will fulfill some empty spot in their life by having something people can follow and comment on. You know all those filtered comments that say "oh thank you for this post! It was so spot-on!" and "I wish I could like this 1000 times!" (which is dumb since they are clearly confusing a blog post with a Facebook post ... anywho.
So I thought I needed to write a blog. I used to write one for family and close friends. It was really sweet and sometimes funny and showed all my belly pics when I was pregnant with my kids. And all my dogs as they laid around the house and did nothing. But I need to write this blog because it can tell you who I really am.
So who am I really? Well I'm a redheaded mother of 3, wife to a quiet uniquely patient and handsome man and a dog trainer. I grew up in west Texas and then moved to North Texas. I'll be all elusive and not tell you where I live since my Dad might read this and think I'm being too open with my life. I've got an identical twin sister and she's awesome. But let's not talk about her. So back to me ...
I'm going to go ahead with all this now. I'm friends with a lot of my parents' friends from church. I grew up going to a Baptist church and I'm not sure how some of them would receive this cute little blog. Most lovely folk out there will enjoy my redheaded humor and my lack of a filter but some might wonder if that church did much good for me growing up. Some might even gasp at the things I say. So for those folks, you're warned. Maybe a glass of wine while reading will help? Tequila? Xanax? Putting me on your prayer list? Whatever works.
Let me start with this ... I was taught manners. I was taught to say "please" and "thank you" and address adults as "Mr." or "Mrs." I was to speak and answer when spoken to. My mother wasn't a cavewoman. But I wasn't told I had to sit like a lady or wear skirts instead of pants or that men were above women. I was just taught to be myself. So, here I am.
My mom didn't bring us up as debutantes or with any sort of notion that women don't fart or excrete smells. She didn't teach us that women do in fact do these things she just didn't spew that nonsense that they don't. I say that because I've been around some women that really were taught this. Yeah they also were taught about Emily Post and all that. Good Lord I didn't even know who the heck Emily Post was until college. I dated a guy that had a very proper grandmother. She said Emily Post even has a school. Gasp. I'd be booted upon arrival! A school?! To show me that the fork goes on the right (or left, I mean who cares? Seriously never got this!) and my elbows shant be on the table?! But when you cut into a juicy, red steak you need your elbows on the table for God's sake! And did you know that you put your spoon in the soup and scoop towards the back of the bowl and not towards yourself? Yeah. My sweet college boyfriend taught me that. I was such a shame to be around. Still am at times.
I pee with the door open, unless there are lots of guests (meaning 4+) in my home, I do fart and I burp on a occasion too. I'm human for God's sake ... and this led me to my blog idea. I'm on so many mother groups on Facebook that it's kind of ridiculous. What's more ridiculous is how many of the mothers are total basket cases and cannot function in life without some formal training or opinions .... you know those "professionals" that peruse Facebook and answer medical questions and parenting questions ... and let's not forget dog questions. Oh don't get me started on my dog groups. Yeah, you did read above that I'm a dog trainer, right? (Actually I have been for close to 17 years now) Yeeeeaahhh. Dog people are ****ing weird. I'm here to let you know that. I thought parents would have dumb questions but they run a close 2nd to dog questions I hear and receive.
I recall in one mom group a mom asked, "how do I rinse the shampoo out of little Fiona's hair?" I was like are you kidding me?! I gloriously typed, while heavily hitting each key, "dump water on her head." So here I am. I'm going to be the voice of reason for all you suckers out there that don't get quality advice online. I'm going to give you quality advice. You ask. I answer. Ask anything. But please don't be alarmed at my answers. Remember Emily Post wrote me off her Christmas list a long time ago. And if you have a dog question to add in there please do. It will so add some sustenance to my answers.
Let's start with some examples. Examples will help you decide if you are able to swallow this Redhead's amazing advice and live life to the fullest or not.
Example 1. Let's use a dog questions, because like I said, they are top notch. I have to keep my eye from twitching and my upper lip on some of these doozies. Keep in mind these are actual questions I've been asked over the years in my training career during training sessions or via email, etc.
Brain-Cell-Seeking-Dog-Owner:
"My dog won't stop getting into the trash when I'm at work. Can you help me train him to stop doing that?"
This Redhead:
"Put a lid on your trash, take out the trash, put the trashcan in a room with a closed door. There are so many options. I just went ahead and gave them all to you. "
Example 2. Another dog questions. They are just too good, seriously.
I-Ran-Out-of-Brain-Cells-Dog-Owner:
"Last week my dog pushed the front door open and ran away. He was gone for several hours until a neighbor brought him home. So I thought maybe if we just let him run around the neighborhood for several hours a day out the front door he'd learn to come back to us since he was able to do that. So, do we really need to work on teaching him to come when called?"
This Redhead:
"Absolutely let him roam the 'hood for several hours. Let me know when you get the new dog. We'll teach him to come when called at our first lesson."
Example 3. Let's get to the parents. They are so fun.
Heartless-Mom-in-Seattle:
"We've been trying to get Susie to stay in her bed every night, she's 6, and finally have had success for a few weeks. But last night she woke up screaming in terror. I went in and she clung to me and asked me to lay with her. Should I lay with her or will this ruin the bedtime structure we've been implementing the last few weeks?"
This Redhead:
"Hell no you shouldn't comfort little Susie. What's she thinking yelling for you in the night and making ill-hearted requests for you to lay with her and feel comfort? Good grief. Kids these days are so entitled! On the other hand she might just be 6 and need mommy. You choose and let me know the answer while I put my vote in for "Most Caring Mom of the Year" award."
Example 4. Oh let's stray on over to the subject of lazy husbands. My favorite!
Enabling-Wife:
"I'm home with our 4 kids all week, all day, every day without any help. My twins are 3 years old and then my daughter is 4 and my son is 6 months. On Saturday I wanted to sleep in just once since hubby never even helps with dinner, bathing or feeding the baby in the night. He said he was tired from working all week. What can I do? I'm so exhausted and he doesn't even care because he says I don't have a job, I just stay home all day."
This Redhead:
"Well hubby is right. I mean stay-at-home-moms just sit around all day every day and don't even work? I mean you get to watch all your Netflix shows all day and relax. You walk around in your 3-day old PJs, non-washed hair and 8-time-re-heated coffee because you're just lazy. So, you just have that darling and ever-so-exhausted hubby of yours send me a question about how to handle you on this blog. He'll get some awesome answers from me. In the meantime, hun, cattle prods are pretty inexpensive at the local feed store. Then get on expedia.com and book a nice little va-cay alone. He'll have some awesome advice for you once you return on how to maintain the home while he's at work! Good luck!"
So, as you can see I'm quite the Dear Abby .... uh, sort of. My advice is sound. Ask your questions. I'll post a post with the question and answer each week. Your life will be filled with lots of glee, delight, a few glasses of wine and maybe a need for a trip to the shrink afterwards!
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